I am 43. I have spent a lot of that time trying to please other people, from looking for my Dad's approval to doing the best I can for my two children.
I took a huge step over a cliff recently....I landed and in the arms of an angel. Cheesy? Yep, but true. Those arms allow me to be me, bit chaotic, sweary, reflective, bonkers, but me! I realise over time that me is nothing to be ashamed of.
I was watching a documentary on the history of the Palace of Versaille earlier, I have seen it before, in fact I watched it with my small boy who was very patient and pretended to find it interesting! With fresh eyes I watched part 2 again today, it's all a bit sex, King, riches, debts, sex, King, however there was a line I didn't notice before, it was in French...I can't pretend to know what it meant but a helpful translation ran accross the bottom of the screen....it read...'Eve was naked until the invention of shame.' I don't know if this is a direct quote from Louis 15th or a famous line or a random piece of poetic licence however it struck a chord. 'Eve was naked until the invention of shame....' I am still pondering it's meaning, I feel it's relevance but am failing to put it into words.
Recent life changing events have affected many people, both friends and foes. Friendships challenged...foes thoughts of me confirmed, it matters not. The knife has poisoned the minds as well the hearts and for that I am regretful but shame I will not carry. Shame will not own me, shame is not mine. For once, possibly for the first time, I am free of shame, free of the burden of second guessing what the right thing to do or say is, free of such unhappiness, such emptiness, such hateful loneliness free from such a dark dark existence.
I no longer just exist...I am here, touching, hearing, tasting, smelling and seeing. I wonder if I will look back at these ramblings and see the change, feel what I do now. Who knows......
Marlena Shaw sang a song...Liberation Conversation, not only is it a bloody good song, it's opening line of 'Blues ain't nothin but a good woman gone bad..' is almost where I started...'Eve was naked until shame was invented...' as a woman you don't have to go bad to feel the blues, you don't have to be naked to feel shame and yet....you do.
So maybe these mad reflections are nonsense, maybe they make complete sense. Time will be the judge of that and time is one thing I know won't stop.
I am Woman, I am Mother...these things will never change, the angel is with me, forever a year and a day....I will always be grateful for the day he put his arms around me....always.