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Tuesday, 3 July 2012

Whiter shade of pale.....

Yep...ok I admit it I've read the filth that is 50 Shades of Grey...oh and by the way it's not filth. What on earth has happened to ladies who 'read'. 
 
A review....
So there's this girl, about to graduate and she rocks up to do an interview for the uni newspaper on behalf of her pal who's not well. The interviewee is Christian Grey, multi mabillionaire.

And that's kind of it as far as story goes. 
Maybe I'm being harsh....there is an obvious attraction between Ana (clever, ditsy, virgin) and Christian (beautiful, rich, ginger, sorry 'copper' haired!) 
 
And so it begins...a subtle pursuit of the virginal Ana who fails to notice that Christian may be a bit interested even after he sends her first editions of her favourite books...£14,000 worth of books.
 
Moving on to the bits that seem to have sent women gaga, a pal who works in Waterstones said that she sold 87 copies only the other morning....mother, daughters, mothers and daughters, eww no thanks, why on earth would I want to share an 'erotic' book with my Mum? Anyway, the crux of the sex is Dominant seeks Submissive. Christian has a document that he wants Ana (no longer quite so clever, ditsy or virginal) to sign, it includes giving control of what she will wear, how often she will exercise, what she will eat, punishments that are deemed 'hard or 'soft' what to expect in the bedroom or 'Room of Pain blah blah blah. Blinded by his mesmerising money...coughs...er I mean beautifulness she considers the document, over several pages, nay several chapters. 

Ok so there are some connecting moments, well written (not), but the attraction for me was their relationship, how she felt she was not worthy.....yeah right, not worthy of being treated so badly it's literally gonna hurt, and the fact that against his will Christian was falling for Ana, 'vanilla' sex being the attraction. Turns out Christian's earliest sexual experience was with his mum's mate, who 'employed' the young Mr Grey as her submissive, the document claims to be as beneficial for the submissive as the dominant, exploring dark sexual needs for both parties. How very...er...considerate. Don't get me wrong here, I judge not the dominant/submissive sexual relationship, each to their own. If it works for both parties then cool, fill yer very high, possibly latex boots. I do however think if it's going to be written about it should be intriguing, naughty and not fumbling and crass.

The description of even the 'normal' sex is poor, the same adjectives..over and over again. Not sexy. The fact that Ana gives Grey her virginity must be something worth more than an 'ow' and 'warm sensation'. Not sexy. When Christian takes Ana to the Room of Pain for the first time there is no anticipation, it's all too obvious. Not Sexy. The only part of the book that could bee deemed as remotely 'sexy' and I'm being kind, is a scene where they fuck in a boat house, even that is messy. 
 
What the writer has failed to include in this book is the senses....the most evocative, erotic writing is when you can feel the senses, yours and the characters, being challenged. You won't get that here.
Ana succumbs and leading up to the point of signing said document asked Christian to show her the full extent of the pain she will feel, dutifully Christian gathers his best leather belt and thwacks her arse, really hard. She doesn't like it and legs it.......

Ladies, please get a grip. Poorly written sex isn't empowering. Mills and Boon writers have been writing this shit for years you weren't all gushing about that, sharing 'erotic' books with your daughters is not, I repeat, not cool. I am no feminist, but is the future of best selling books really going to be based on domineering control freak deflowering young virgins? Remember the young Mr Darcy coming out of the lake.....wanton... now that's sexy!
 
Ok maybe I am being judgemental but sex is a lot more than bloke aims, fires, has another go. Seems Mr Grey has the staying power of 'Hard as Nails', you know that stuff you can stick shelves to the wall with...hmm not a great comparison, vaguely amusing though....little bit like the sex in this book!

Gents, let her read it. Don't be threatened. If she's proper turned on by this book have a little look at your relationship...is it worth it?! A ginger rich bloke likes tying his bird up......think Anthony Worral Thompson doing a chicken.............

Rubbish.

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