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Wednesday, 10 October 2012

...and now the end is near

*I wrote this last week, dizzy in the hope I would be free by now...I'm not, it seems they would much rather keep hold of a disenfranchised member of staff than let me go quietly. My sentiments are the same however....just not quite free yet.

So, today I get to write my resignation letter a day that should be filled with the fuck you attitude I have been garnering for the past 4 months...strangely I feel sad, very sad. It's the end of what has been an emotionally draining period of my life and the end to my time in education. I wont return. Singlehandedly my soon to be ex employers have managed to destroy the passion I had for education. Singlehandedly they have proved the illusion I had of the public sector. Singlehandedly they nearly broke me...I am aware that 'singlehandedly' and 'they' shouldn't go together but I'm leaving it like that, it seems more strong sounding than anything else I can think of at the moment.

Today is World Mental Health Day, a day where awareness and sharing is promoted all around the world. I can honestly say that my mental health, generally healthy, has been challenged the past 4 months. My self esteem, confidence and general well being have been attacked, without the support of my partner and friends I look back and wonder how I coped or even if I did cope....

Today is not a liberating day, it is a sad day. A day I say goodbye to my once one passion. In honesty I was already tired of the constant changes, the paperwork , the expectations but it was what I did, it defined me. I took on the kids no-one wanted, the kids that thrilled, witty, wise and lost. I say goodbye to them with a very heavy heart....there were rubbish times of course, verbal abuse, disrespect, anger but hey I'm like that on an hourly basis so once in a while from a kid that's had a shit life is to be expected.

Hmmm, interesting use of 'it defined me' did. Brash, strong, Queen of rinse, that's who I was. I was tiring of that persona and when you go into a classroom of kids, the moment you step over the threshold you are 'on', the kids I dealt with that 'on' was a full on thing, physically and mentally tiring add in the emotions that come with these kids I was nearing the end of a good run. And that brings me to today, the day when it ends. I have been treated disgustingly by my employers, they almost got me...almost.

So, farewell education, I will probably miss you at first, in fact I will, but you know what? I am me now, nothing defines me but me.

Oh and fuck you KCC, hard in the arse, I leave you with my head held high....bunch of cunts.

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